Your match’s story has changed. How can you ask without accusing?

Name the detail, not a motive

Imagine that Kemi’s new match, Dele, has a profile that says he is single. In a later chat he says he is ‘still sorting things out’ with a former partner. Kemi wants to know whether he is free to date. She does not know whether he meant paperwork, shared belongings, a current relationship or something else. A changed detail is a question to consider, not a verdict.

Avoid treating a person’s accent, nationality, job or one delayed reply as a lie. Nigeria has many communities and ways of speaking; none is evidence of honesty or dishonesty. A person can also decide that a question about an ex is too private to answer. Kemi can respect that choice and decide whether uncertainty works for her.

Ask one question that helps your decision

Kemi could say: ‘Your profile says you are single, and you mentioned you are still sorting things out with an ex. What does that mean for dating now?’ This names both details and gives Dele room to explain in his own words. He might clarify that the relationship has ended but they are collecting belongings, say they are still together, or prefer not to discuss it.

Kemi does not need to demand a screenshot, identity card, address or access to his messages. Those can expose private information and do not prove a relationship status. She may ask the question once, listen, and share her own need: ‘I am looking to date someone who is not in another relationship.’

Decide what the answer means for you

If Dele gives an explanation and Kemi is comfortable, she may continue talking at her own pace. If their expectations differ, she can say, ‘Thank you for explaining. That does not fit what I want.’ If he declines to discuss it, she can respect his privacy while deciding not to continue. There is no need to persuade him to give an answer she prefers.

Watch how both people handle an ordinary boundary. An explanation offered freely is different from a demand for money, a threat, or pressure to keep a secret. If a match asks for money or financial details, do not send them; use the platform’s reporting controls and stop contact if appropriate. A kind answer today is still not a guarantee about tomorrow.

A 2018 study of online romance and deception in Nigeria reported that participants used cues including inconsistencies and checks with online friends. Its sample was drawn from the friends of four Facebook accounts; it does not show that a changed story proves deception, or that the same cue works for everyone. Kemi and Dele’s exchange is our invented example, not a finding from that study.

Keep your own next step small

You can continue on the app, take a break, or end the chat. If you decide to meet, choose a populated public place, make your own travel arrangements and let a trusted person know the plan if you choose. Do not send money for an emergency or a meeting. These are practical ways to retain choices, not a promise that someone has been verified.

If a person becomes threatening, you do not have to ask again or explain why you are leaving. Keep relevant messages only if it is safe, use the service’s report or block options, and contact an appropriate local support service or police if you need help. In immediate danger, contact local emergency services.

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