First messages · Respect
A dating profile lists pronouns. What can you write?
Start with a real question
Use the name your match gives and the pronouns they choose when you refer to them. In a first message, you can simply say “you” and ask about something they shared. You do not need to ask about a person’s body or identity to begin a conversation. If you make a mistake, correct it briefly and continue; the other person decides whether to reply.
Adult dater Nuru lives abroad and is writing after work. A match named Sam lists “they/them” on their profile and mentions weekend cooking. Nuru wants to be respectful, but worries that the first message must contain a special explanation.
A first message can be ordinary
Nuru can write, “Hi Sam, what do you like to cook on a free weekend?” The message uses Sam’s name and asks about an interest Sam chose to share. It leaves Sam room to answer, ask something else or not reply. Do not copy a personal detail into another chat without permission.
What are pronouns?
A pronoun is a word used in place of a name, such as “she”, “he” or “they”. Stonewall explains that a person may use one or more sets and that a name can be used if you are unsure. Its guide concerns workplaces; the first-message example here is Afrolu’s editorial advice.
You do not need a pronoun to address someone as “you”. Do not assume a person’s gender, body or dating intentions from the words on a profile.
When you are not sure
If you need to refer to a person and the profile is unclear, use their name or ask privately how they would like to be referred to. They may choose not to answer. Some people use different words in different settings; never disclose someone’s pronouns or identity to others as a way of seeking reassurance.
If you use the wrong word
Correct yourself briefly: “Sorry, I meant they.” Avoid making the other person comfort you or explain their identity. Then continue the conversation if they want to. A correction is a chance to listen; it does not guarantee a reply or a date.
Keep the early conversation yours
Both people can decide what personal information to share. RAINN recommends keeping early conversations on the dating platform, which may have reporting and blocking tools. Use whatever approach feels right for your circumstances; an app cannot guarantee safety.
Keep reading
Keep the conversation comfortable
Sources and what they can tell us
Nuru and Sam are invented adults. Names, pronouns, language and comfort differ; no one owes a personal explanation.
- Stonewall: A beginner’s guide to pronouns
It defines pronouns, discusses using names when unsure and notes that preferences can vary by setting.
Limit: Its guidance is written for workplaces, not a rule for first dating messages. - RAINN: Tips for safer dating: online and in-person
It discusses limiting personal information and using dating-platform features early on.
Limit: It cannot guarantee privacy or require a person to disclose pronouns. - Love is respect: What is respect in a healthy relationship?
It describes listening and valuing another person’s feelings and choices.
Limit: It does not determine whether Sam wants to reply.
Questions about names and pronouns
Must I ask about gender in the first message?
No. You can ask an ordinary question about an interest the person chose to share.
What if the profile does not list pronouns?
You can use the person’s name or ask privately if you need to know; they may decline to answer.
Can pronouns vary by setting?
Yes. Some people use different words in different settings. Do not share their details with others without permission.