Mixed signals · Future plans
They want a serious relationship, but not marriage
Ask what serious means to each of you
Wanting a serious relationship does not always mean wanting marriage. Ask what your date means and share your own hope plainly. If marriage matters to you and they are clear that they do not want it, neither person has to change their belief. You can decide whether continuing together works for both of you.
Adult daters Miriam and Tunde both say they want commitment. Miriam’s faith is part of why she hopes to marry. Tunde says he wants a lasting relationship but does not want to marry. She wonders whether his words are mixed signals.
Separate commitment from marriage
“Serious” can mean dating only each other, spending time together, caring for each other or hoping to build a life. Marriage is a specific choice that some people want and others do not. Tunde’s two statements are not necessarily a contradiction; ask what he means rather than assuming.
An invented conversation
A conversation with room for two answers
After discussing commitment, Miriam asks Tunde what he hopes for.
- Miriam
- “Marriage matters to me. Is it something you want?”
- Tunde
- “I want a lasting relationship, but I do not want to marry.”
- Miriam
- “Thank you for being clear. I need time to think about what that means for me.”
Neither answer is a promise to change. Each adult can decide what to do next.
Name your own hope without a promise
Miriam might explain why marriage matters to her, without requiring Tunde to share her faith or defend his own beliefs. People within the same faith may make different choices. A first conversation does not need a wedding date or a promise.
If Tunde is unsure, they can ask whether he wants time to think and what, if anything, they both expect in the meantime. Uncertainty is different from a clear no; it is not a promise that he will change his mind.
What if your answers stay different?
Both can care about each other and still want different futures. If marriage is essential to Miriam and Tunde knows he does not want it, she can choose to stop dating. He can make his own choice too. Neither owes the other a change in belief.
If they continue, talk honestly about what that means rather than waiting silently for the other person to change. Either can revisit the conversation or leave if it no longer feels right.
Notice pressure, not only disagreement
A respectful disagreement leaves room for both people to speak. Repeatedly mocking a person’s beliefs, threatening them or demanding a promise is a different problem. If discussing it feels unsafe, seek support from a trusted person in a safe way instead of arranging a confrontation.
Keep reading
Continue the conversation
Sources and what they can tell us
Miriam and Tunde are invented adults. The examples are editorial guidance; marriage practices and beliefs vary by person and place.
- Love is respect: Boundaries and expectations
It discusses making expectations clear and acknowledging when two people want different things.
Limit: It does not define serious dating or decide whether Miriam and Tunde should stay together. - Love is respect: How to fight fair
It discusses handling differences of opinion respectfully.
Limit: It does not determine a couple’s marriage goals or advise people facing abuse to confront a partner. - Love is respect: What is respect in a healthy relationship?
It describes equal say and respect for each partner’s opinions and choices.
Limit: It does not state that commitment requires marriage or determine anyone’s religious beliefs.
Questions about different goals
Can someone be committed without wanting marriage?
Yes. Ask what commitment means to that person rather than assuming it includes marriage.
Should I wait for them to change their mind?
That is your decision. A clear no is not a promise to change, and you may choose a relationship that matches your goals.
Does sharing a faith guarantee the same marriage goal?
No. Individuals within a faith can have different hopes and beliefs.