Long distance · A parent's time
Do not leave your weekend open for a maybe
Start here
If the person keeps saying they want to see you but never agrees on a day, ask for one clear plan. Try: ‘I can call Sunday at six. Can you do that?’ Keep your own weekend plans until they answer. One missed call can happen. A repeated pattern of warm messages and no plan tells you what their time with you is actually like.
Some people call this ‘benching’: a person keeps you nearby with little bits of attention but does not make room for a real connection. You do not need to prove that label fits. You need to decide how much of your scarce free time to hold open.
Look at plans, not the nicest message
Read the last few weeks like a calendar. Did you choose a call time together? If one person cancelled, did they offer another time? A lovely voice note on Friday is pleasant, but it is not a Sunday plan.
Time zones, work and care duties can make distance hard. Those are reasons to agree on a time in advance, not reasons for one parent to wait by the phone all weekend.
Example conversation
A Sunday that belongs to Nia
In this invented exchange, Nia is a parent and Musa lives in another country.
This is an invented example.
- Musa
- “I might be free this weekend. Miss you.”
- Nia
- “I can call Sunday at six for half an hour. Can you make that?”
- Musa
- “Maybe. I will see how my weekend goes.”
- Nia
- “Okay. I will keep my Sunday plans. We can speak when we can agree on a time.”
Nia does not need to cancel her own plans to wait for an answer that was never given.
Offer one time you can really give
Pick a window that fits your family life. ‘I can talk Sunday from six to half past six’ is enough. You do not need to explain your child's routine or trade away a care plan to sound interested.
If that time does not work, ask them to suggest one other time. A concrete reply helps both adults. ‘Soon, I promise’ leaves the whole weekend unclear.
Keep your own plans until a time is agreed. This is not a test or a trick. It lets you use the time you already have.
Notice what happens after a simple request
A person who cannot call may still answer plainly and name another time. If they repeatedly disappear after you ask, then return with affection but no answer, you can step back without deciding why they do it.
Do not chase a new explanation each week. You can say, ‘I enjoy talking, but I need a plan to continue this.’ If the pattern stays the same, stop reserving time.
Choose from the answer
What did they do with the time you offered?
- They confirm
Take the call, then see whether the next plan is also shared.
- They cannot, but suggest a real time
Choose whether that time works for you. Keep your family plans first.
- They stay vague again
Stop holding the weekend open. You may step back or end the chat.
Leave your child out of the negotiation
A new match may ask why Saturday is impossible. ‘I am busy then’ is a complete answer. The names, school and whereabouts of children in your life do not belong in an early dating chat.
If you later meet, tell someone you trust the meeting plan. Choose a place and trip you can manage. Those are Afrolu's practical suggestions, not a guarantee about the person.
If you are tired of waiting
You can close the chat kindly: ‘Our plans have not come together, so I am going to leave this here. Take care.’ You do not owe a debate about whether the other person was benching you.
Keep reading
A related question
Sources and what they can tell us
The Sunday script, calendar test and first-meeting travel suggestions are Afrolu editorial advice. The Hotline supports honest talk, privacy and respect for time apart. eSafety advises caution with children's details and tells readers to share a meeting plan with someone trusted. Neither source diagnoses this match as ‘benching’.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: Healthy relationships
Its healthy-relationship checklist supports asking for a clear call plan while respecting a parent's time apart.
Limit: It cannot tell whether this particular person's vague plans are deliberate benching. - eSafety Commissioner: Online dating: How to stay safe
Its online-dating advice says to keep children's details private and tell someone trusted about a meeting plan.
Limit: It cannot promise that a long-distance match or a future meeting will be safe.
Questions you may still have
Is every slow reply benching?
No. A slow reply has many possible causes. Look at the pattern of making and keeping plans.
Should I set a deadline?
Name the time you can give. You need not turn it into a threat or count every hour.
Must I explain my childcare?
No. You can state when you are free without sharing a child's details.
What if I still like them?
You can like someone and stop reserving time for an unconfirmed plan.